I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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