we made out on top of his cat.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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