I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
