Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
