I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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