How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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