ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
