I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
