The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
