wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
