went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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