What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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