When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
