Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You took a bar mat shot.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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