I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
