I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
