if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
