Four minutes until I can fart!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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