Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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