she was so not down for the gang bang
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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