i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
