Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
