pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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