True but thats because hes a fetus.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
