hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
