I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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