I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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