So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
