Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
