I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
