i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
