shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
