Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
