Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
