apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
