I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
