yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
