my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
