i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
