Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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