I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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