I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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