Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
