my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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