My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
