Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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