yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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