When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
