What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This is my gift to your gina
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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