Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
