..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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