tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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