Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
